


Under Covers

by Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Depression, F/F, Other SVU members, Suicidal Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:23:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6833128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi/pseuds/Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of Liv and Rollins' undercover operation as a lesbian couple, Alex starts to question the relationship she and Olivia have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 13x20 "Father Dearest"

**Chapter 1**

Lounging against the worn couch in the familiar living room, coffee mug clasped in her hands, Alex Cabot exhaled a breath of air through her nose. She came here quite often, Holidays, after she had first started at Manhattan's SVU, and then again after her shooting, and as she had discovered early on, it was a house that was more like a home because of its occupants. She felt generally relaxed here, surrounded by décor that let her think more clearly, allowing her to sort out her problems in her head.

What had she  _really_ seen? After her initial meeting with Amanda Rollins during the time Elliot was on leave, she'd had a feeling that she wouldn't like her. Her next meeting with the slightly older blonde wasn't any less pleasant. The Atlanta beauty was sitting on Olivia's desk, in  _her_  spot, as they went over possibilities for a possible suspect in the new case they'd caught. She'd tried to hide her jealousy as she escorted the brunette out of the precinct and to lunch. But this incident took the cake.  _Amanda Rollins_ had gone undercover with her girlfriend as a couple and entered a  _sperm bank_  in order to obtain a suspect's identity. And then she had the nerve to try and  _kiss_ her in the squad room after hours? A kiss that  _Olivia_ looked ready to return had she not spoken up. By the time they had made it home, she was too tired to do much of anything.

" _You looked like you were going to kiss her," she said as she hung up her jacket and discarded her heels, heading over to the window._

" _I wasn't going to kiss her, Alex. Besides," the brunette came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist, "she isn't nearly as beautiful as you."_

_Shrugging out of Olivia's hold, she headed towards their bedroom, "I'm getting a shower and going to bed."_

" _Hey," Olivia gently grasped her wrist, pulling her back around to face her, "do you want me to help?"_

" _No, I don't, Liv." She frowned gently, "I'm tired. Let's just…"_

" _Are you jealous of Rollins?"_

" _Liv," she warned, her eyes flashing._

" _It's a question, Lex."_

" _We'll talk tomorrow," she growled out, pulling free of the gentle grip._

" _Let's just talk now,"_

" _I'm tired, Olivia!" she snapped._

" _No, you're pissed."_

_Slipping her arms around the detective's neck, she kissed her softly on the mouth, "No, I'm not. I've just had a long day." Detangling herself, she turned and headed to get a shower._

She wasn't aware of another person entering the room, so when the coffee mug was plucked delicately from her fingers, she jumped; glancing up, she met her father's warm blue eyes. Nearing 60, Alexander Cabot looked 20 years younger, his once soft blonde hair graying in places, but the eyes that Alex had inherited still held the same warmth as when the attorney was a child. She sighed softly and closed her eyes.

"Welcome home, Alexandra," the older blonde said gently, warmly, as he placed the coffee mug on the mahogany table next to Alex's left arm.

The attorney scoffed, her tone quiet, "This hasn't been my home for a long time, Daddy."

"This will always be your home, Alexandra," the voice of her mother, Caroline Cabot, came from the top of the staircase and continued to get closer as she descended the steps. She looked younger than her 55 years, and Alex was still a little shocked at how well her mother had bounced back after her battle with cancer, despite it being over two years, "What's wrong, dear? Where's Olivia?"

One of the hardest things she had ever done was come out to her parents. It had been the weekend before she went off to college, and after knowing for nearly three years of her sexual preferences, she told them. And they surprised her by supporting her, by loving her. She knew that some parents disowned their kids, kicked them out, but her parents, she realized at that moment, would never do that to her. So when she and Olivia started dating shortly before her shooting, they had insisted they meet her…and they loved her nearly the second they met her. But, she was beginning to come to realize, it was a stupid idea to call in work and tell them that she had a prior engagement and then take an hour drive upstate to her parents' estate. She'd shut off her cellphone, and it remained in her pocket, waiting to be turned on, so she could be bombarded by missed calls and texts from a woman she wasn't sure…

"Olivia's at work," she said, her tone quiet, "I just needed a day away from the city."

"A day from the city or a day from Olivia?" her father asked, his voice still gentle. She'd never once heard him raise his voice to her or her mother, but his comment still struck a nerve.

"I don't need a day from my girlfriend," she said coldly.

"Then why is your phone off?"

"Olivia left for work before I called off," she said softly, "I just don't want to talk to her right now."

Alexander looked at his wife, catching her nod, "Come along then, Alexandra; let's make some breakfast."

"I'm not really hungry," she protested with a frown, but didn't stop her father from gently taking her hand and pulling her from the couch.

"Just some eggs and toast then," he replied with a smile.

"Fine," the attorney agreed, being led into the kitchen even as she spoke.

Making sure that her daughter was out of hearing range, Caroline took the home phone off the base and dialed the familiar number.

* * *

 

Grabbing the receiver moments before the phone stopped ringing, she spoke, her voice holding an edge of authority, "Benson, Special Victims."

"Olivia, dear, it's Caroline."

"Caroline," Glancing around the squad room, she took notice that Elliot had just walked in, chatting with Munch. Fin and Rollins were catching in Queens, and Captain Cragen was in his office, on the phone with the mayor over a case from last month. She sank into her chair, her voice lowering to a fraction of what it had been, "is everything okay?" She wouldn't come right out and ask if Alex was at the Cabot estate. Not only was it rude, but it could very well send the poor woman into a panic attack if the attorney wasn't there.

"Everything's fine, dear. I just wanted to let you know that Alexandra is up here with us. She called off work today, as I'm sure you already know, and drove up to visit. Alexander and I didn't want you to worry. If you can manage to drop by after work, you're welcome to."

"Thanks for letting me know, Caroline. I'll try to stop by later."

"Wonderful. Now, do try to get some work done, Olivia."

She chuckled quietly, "I'll try. Enjoy the rest of your day."

"You too, honey."

When she set the receiver down and looked up, Elliot was looking at her from his desk, "Everything okay, Liv?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," She stood and stretched, "I'll be back." Without waiting for a reply, knowing she wouldn't get one, she headed into the restroom.

Resting her head against the wall, she pulled out her cellphone and began flipping through her pictures. She stopped at the picture of Alex asleep on their bed, back from the first time the attorney had stayed the night.

_Alex's hair was fanned out on the pillow, the sheets tangled at her ankles, the tank top she had donned the night before ridding just above her belly button, and the running shorts fitting snug against her thighs. Snapping and saving the picture, she tossed her phone to the floor and slipped into the bed beside her sleeping lover, spooning her from behind. Alex muttered something intelligible in her sleep and snuggled closer, pushing her lush backside into the brunette's pelvis. Involuntarily, her hips surged forward, drawing a low groan of arousal from the attorney, who slowly turned in her grasp to face her._

" _Mmm," Alex's eyes were lit with arousal, and as she kissed her, she slipped over top of the detective, straddling her hips, "to what do I owe this wake-up call, Detective?"_

" _You snuggling with me," she replied, slipping her arms to the attorney's waist, kissing her soundly._

_Breathless, Alex pulled back, her eyes burning with desire, "I think we're wearing too many clothes."_

_Running her tongue against the shell of her ear, nipping gently enough to elect a moan, she smiled, "Me too."_

Shaking her head, the detective frowned. When was the last time they had actually talked? Hell, when was the last time they had made love? One week? A week and a half? Had they really been too busy with work that they hadn't had time for one another? She  _really_  needed to do something about that.

"Liv?" Jumping slightly, she turned to see Rollins in the doorway.

"Rollins," she shut and pocketed her phone and turned towards the blonde, "did we catch a case?"

"Yeah, we did,"

The brunette turned towards the sink, "Just give me a second."

"Liv, I just," the slightly shorter woman faltered slightly, "I just wanted to apologize for last night. I didn't mean to come on to you."

"It's alright," she said with a small smile, but in reality she knew it wasn't alright. She wanted to start tomorrow over; she wanted to wake up with her beautiful girlfriend, spend the morning making love and then walk into work fifteen minutes late, like she had done that first time. She wanted to hold Alex's hand in an undercover operation as a couple, where she didn't have to force herself to smile at a colleague like she loved them. She met Rollins' gaze in the mirror, "Alex and I will be fine." She hoped.

* * *

 

Alex pushed her omelet around on her plate, her stomach protesting the idea of food. She supposed she shouldn't have been too surprised; she'd been depressed for a while. At first, she'd dismissed the idea. She wasn't depressed after she'd been shot, she'd reasoned, so why would she be depressed now? Her mind made the connection for her: Rollins. More specifically, Olivia leaving her for Rollins. Maybe if she talked to Olivia, they could talk through it, but even the idea of bringing it up in conversation frightened and enraged her. Olivia would say that she was jealous, that she was over-analyzing, that she was being a lawyer. She didn't  _want_ to do that. She wasn't imaging the way they looked at each other. But, she reasoned, Olivia wouldn't cheat on her. Taking a small bite of toast, figuring that was all her stomach would manage, she stood from the table.

"I'm going to go lie down," she informed her parents in a quiet tone before heading out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her old room.

The four poster bed was made, the soft sheets and comforter turned down, and as she slipped into it and lay her head on the freshly fluffed pillows, she felt her eyes grow heavy, as if she hadn't slept in days. Slipping off her glasses of justice, as Liv called them, she sighed, closing her eyes. She was asleep in a matter of minutes.

**A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed this first chapter. As always, please don't forget to review.**

**Hime**

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 3x18 "Guilt"  
> Mentions of suicide

**Chapter 2**

Captain Don Cragen looked up from the paperwork at the knock on his door. Elliot poked his head through a moment later.

"Captain, got a minute?"

"Something wrong, Elliot?" He'd sent Elliot, Fin and Rollins to the crime scene nearly two hours ago, leaving Munch and Olivia to interview the victim. An hour earlier, the team re-grouped. The victim, Nancy Cardell, was a sophomore at NYU, and according to Olivia and Munch, knew her attacker and rapist to be her ex-boyfriend, Pete Sanchez. Sanchez was currently sitting in Interrogation 1 with Munch and Fin, having been picked up half an hour ago at his apartment in downtown Manhattan.

"Ah," he rubbed the back of his neck as he stepped in and closed the door, "Liv seems distracted."

"Distracted how?" Glancing out the window, he caught sight of the brunette detective. Olivia was pacing in front of the coffee machine, one hand on her head and the other gripping the coffee mug, "How long as she been like that?"

"Dunno. Half an hour or so."

"Any phone calls?"

"A woman named Caroline called. I got the end of the conversation from Liv's side. The only Caroline that we know is Alex's mom."

"Alex took a personal day today, from what Casey told me," Don said, ushering Elliot out of his office, "Benson, in here now!"

Olivia nearly dropped her mug as she heard her name being called. Setting it carefully on her desk, she headed into the Captain's office.

"Yes, Captain?" she asked as she pushed the door shut behind her.

"Something bugging you, Liv?"

"No," she answered slowly, "just trying to get an angle on this guy."

"It's an open-close rape and beating. Something's bothering you. What is it?"

She frowned and glanced out the window, into the squad room, "I'm worried about Alex."

"She just took a personal day, Liv. She'll…"

Anger overtook the brunette, and she cut in sharply, "Her phone is off. Regardless of whether it's a personal day or not, it's never off! She deliberately shut it off because we had a disagreement, and she doesn't want to resolve it! She wants to run upstate and have me worrying—"

"Take a couple days, Benson."

"I just need to work—"

"You  _need_ to see your girlfriend. Now, go. A couple days. If I see you before Thursday, I'll have you escorted home."

She gave a small nod in acknowledgement, deciding, for once, to listen to her Captain's orders, "Thanks, Captain."

She left the office and headed to her desk. Grabbing her gun and badge from her desk drawer, she quickly put them on, tying her hair up in the process. She grabbed her faithful leather jacket, slipped it on and fished out her car keys before finally shutting down her computer and heading out the doors, all without looking at the rest of the squad.

Elliot glanced over at Rollins, "Was it something we said?"

"I'll go find…"

"Rollins," Cragen poked his head out his door, "you and Stabler head over to the Crime Lab. They got something on the case."

"Captain, what's up with Liv?" Elliot asked.

"She's taking some personal time," was all he said before he re-entered his office.

* * *

 

_Muffled voices came from the squad room, and she walked as quietly as she could in her heels. She'd been on her way to pick up Liv (after all, her girlfriend had been working 36 straight hours) and had been a moment from announcing herself when the scene in front of her finally registered. Liv and Rollins were kissing. No, worse, she realized. They were practically making-out. Rollins' hands were tangled in the brunette's hair, pulling her closer, while Liv's fingers dug into her sides, holding her close._

_All rational thought flew out the window. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. No, she didn't want Olivia with another woman…she wanted Olivia with_ her _. She felt a weight in her hand and looked down to see Olivia's .38 clutched in her grasp. She wasn't sure when she'd grabbed the weapon, but she didn't care. She turned the glock so that it was pointing at her chest. She couldn't…she_ couldn't _…_

 _Olivia's eyes were suddenly on hers, pulling away from Rollins' grasp, her touch, her_ touch _._

" _Alex?"_

_Rollins smirked at her, pulling Olivia away from her gaze, drawing her in for another kiss. Olivia seemed to forget she was there, and she felt her heart stop for a second. The gun's weight felt heavier._

" _Liv…" she said, trying to get her attention. No such luck. She closed her eyes, trying again, "Liv." She felt the hammer pull back and pressed the gun to her chest. "Please, Liv."_

_Rollins broke away from the kiss, speaking for the first time, "She doesn't want you, Alex. She wants me. Why don't you just do everyone a favor and just kill yourself?"_

_Her fingers squeezed the trigger, even as she screamed out her girlfriend's name._

" ** _Olivia_!** "

Her lover's name ripping from throat, Alex jolted awake. Tears streamed down her cheeks against her desire to keep them at bay. Her heart thudded in her chest, beating erratically against her ribcage, and sobs escaped her throat without warning. Before she could get a grip on her surroundings, she became aware of the door being thrown back against the wall, the force by which it had been opened causing the loud crash. She jumped instinctively at the sound, but didn't have a chance to speculate because the person suddenly lying beside her was pulling her into them. She recognized the unique smell that Olivia always had and turned into her grasp, harsh sobs racking her body, tears flowing from her eyes, even as she tried unsuccessfully to control her breathing. This wasn't her. She was more put together than this. She didn't lose control of her emotions like this.

She had killed herself. She had killed herself with Olivia's service weapon. She was barely aware of Olivia's arms coming to wrap around her, the detective's voice gentle to her ears.

"It's okay, Alex. It's okay. It was just a nightmare. You're awake now."

She hadn't had a nightmare that severe since the Sam Cavanaugh case. And she had  _never_  dreamt about killing herself. She  _didn't_ want to die.

"Don't leave me, Liv," she whispered brokenly as she clutched the brunette's arms, "I don't want to die."

"Shh," Olivia's hold tightened slightly, and she she pressed a kiss to the blonde's temple, "It'll all be okay."

Eventually, without even meaning to, she fell into sleep, wrapped in her girlfriend's arms.

When the blonde woke again, Olivia was still holding her, and the comforter that she had kicked off in her sleep had been pulled back up. The light in the room had shifted, but it couldn't be any earlier than two in the afternoon. She noticed that the door had been closed, and with a slight cringe she noticed the indented hole that the door handle had caused when the door had been flung open when she'd woken up screaming. She felt Olivia shift gently, bringing her closer to her body, and she rested her cheek on the brunette's chest, listening to her heartbeat. Olivia's fingers found their way to her exposed shoulder, stroking it up and down in a manner that calmed her, and she knew the brunette was awake. She opened her mouth to say something, but Olivia beat her to it.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?"

"No," she answered, her tone light, "I don't really remember it now anyway," she added, knowing it was a blatant lie. She couldn't tell Olivia. She was depressed, and she knew that her depression caused the nightmare. But she  _couldn't_ tell Olivia. She needed to do her job, not being worrying about her. She switched subjects, "How did you know that I was here? And how did you get here so quickly?"

If Olivia knew that she was being evasive, she didn't say, "I got a call around 8 from your mom, telling me that you were here. Around 11, Captain got sick of seeing my ugly mug and gave me a couple personal days."

"Were you pacing again?"

Olivia grinned slightly, knowing she'd been caught, "Nah, just trying not to think about my girlfriend. Might have to start thinking about Rollins to get any work done," Noticing that Alex had suddenly gone rigid, she backtracked, "but it's not like I want to get any work done. All I have are DD5s. And I'd much rather think of you than Rollins." Alex relaxed slightly, and she inwardly slapped herself.  _Stupid, Benson! Stupid! Gotta fix this!_ She shifted her body once again so that Alex was lying on top of her, staring at her, and she gently ran her hands over the attorney's arms, and then up to her shoulders, "Flip over and let me give you a massage?"

"Liv," she began to protest.

"Please, Lex," she gave her best puppy dog eyes, "I just want to touch you, and I know how you feel about sex in your parents' house."

Blushing slightly, she frowned, "We almost got caught last year. Sex in the shower," she shook her head, "Fine, you can give me a massage, but nothing hinky."

Olivia smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips, "Got it."

* * *

 

Fin looked up when Olivia walked into the precinct Thursday morning nearly half an hour late, nudging Munch with his arm. He also couldn't help to notice that she was practically glowing. One look at Elliot and Rollins' curiosity, and he knew he had to ask.

"Liv, you got somethin' you wanna share with the class?" he teased her, a grin on his lips.

Olivia had the decency to blush and look away, muttering "Not a thing." And it was true. She didn't want to tell the squad that the reason she was late. After getting back from Alex's parents' house late Tuesday night, they'd spent most of Wednesday in bed asleep, waking up to eat and change. By the time Wednesday night rolled around, they rolled around, unable to keep their hands off each other until the early hours. When she'd gotten up at 6, they'd gone again, not that she was complaining, and just when she thought they'd be done, they'd showered together. Which, she remembered, wasn't that much of a shower, considering the two orgasms she'd experienced…

_Alex kept her thigh between her legs, allowing her to come down from her high and making sure she could stand on her own before removing it. The detective noticed her smug smirk and matched it with a grin, "You have something you want to say, Counselor?"_

" _Just that you look even more amazing when you come, Detective."_

_Capturing Alex's lips in a kiss that suddenly became more passionate as it went on, she pulled away enough to speak, "Bed, now."_

" _You're going to be late for work."_

" _Don't care. Want you." One look in Alex's eyes told her all she needed to know: they weren't making it to the bed. Alex was far too keyed up. In fact, with Alex kissing and nibbling on her neck, she's surprised they made it to the bathroom door. But hearing Alex scream out her name in the throes of orgasm while her head hit the bathroom door numerous times, was better than Alex's head hitting the harsh linoleum floor._

_With one final kiss to her favorite blonde, she'd carried her to the bed and covered her up, before heading to get dressed. As she crossed the room to grab her gun and badge, she thought she saw Alex flinch. Walking back to kiss her, she knew she was right. Alex was terrified of her gun. Pressing one last kiss to her girlfriend's lips, she spoke, "I love you, Alex."_

" _I love you too, Olivia."_

_And then she was heading out._

"Liv?"

Blinking once, she realized Fin was talking to her, "Huh?"

"I asked if you would get me some coffee."

"Yeah, Fin, no problem." Turning back to the coffee pot, she poured the tar the precinct called coffee into two mugs. Maybe tonight was a good night to discuss her nightmare, along with whatever else was bothering her. If she was lucky, today would be a slow day. One look at the Captain's face as he called her into his office seemed to prove otherwise.  _Ah, shit_.

**A/N: Don't forget to review.**

**Hime**

 


	3. Chapter 3

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."  
― Laurell K. Hamilton

**Chapter 3**

Alex sat on the couch, an old photo album in her hands. Normally she'd be working, despite it being her day off, but she couldn't bring herself to focus on any of her work. Olivia would be at work until nearly 5 unless a case didn't come up. Turning her attention back to the album in her hands, she allowed herself a small smile. She hadn't looked at this thing in months. Opening it, she took a sip of her coffee and let herself get lost in the memories.

* * *

 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Cragen asked when Olivia walked into his office.

Surprised by the question, she frowned, "Working?" She meant for it to come out as a statement.  _So much for that_.

"This is the first time you've been late in a long time, Liv."

Despite herself, she felt a blush slip onto her cheeks, "I…ah…woke up late."

"Uh-huh," Cragen picked up a folder and handed it to her, his good mood curving slightly, "Take Rollins and get to Queens. Rape/murder at 45th Street. Warner's already there."

With a nod, she exited the office, motioning to Rollins, "Rape/murder at Queens, Rollins. Let's go."

The blonde nodded as she stood and grabbed her jacket, "Right."

Nearly 9 hours later, Olivia collapsed back in her chair, her patience running out. The murder victim, a 13 year old girl, had been sexuality assaulted with a sharp object repeatedly and then had her throat slashed with what appeared to be a different object. Unfortunately, there were no leads. The girl's parents were being tracked down, having fled sometime in the last 24 hours. No prints and no weapons. The only real clue they had was that the rapist had been hurt, possibly during a struggle. The LUDs were being looked through by Fin, while Munch and Elliot were out canvasing the area and asking around. Rollins, who'd been phoning hospitals for the last two hours, had gone to the restroom nearly ten minutes ago. At that moment, she turned and saw Munch and Elliot re-enter the squad room.

"Anything?" she asked.

"No," Elliot said, slumping down at his desk.

"You'll get a search warrant tomorrow," Cragen's voice came from his office as his door opened, and he stepped out, "for now, get home. Regroup in the morning, 8 sharp."

In less than 5 minutes, the guys were out of the precinct. Olivia sighed, pulling out her phone. The last time she'd eaten was noon, but calling Alex to see if she wanted to eat out seemed like a better idea than grabbing something out of the vending machine on her way home. Just as she was about to hit her Call button, she heard a noise. She looked up to see Rollins coming from the bathroom. The Southerner looked about as beat as she felt. Closing her phone, she took a step towards the woman as she sat in her desk, placing a hand over her eyes.

"Amanda," she spoke softly, sitting carefully on the side of the blonde's desk.

* * *

 

Rollins looked at the brunette detective as she sat casually on the side of her desk. She quickly swept her eyes around the room and noticed that the precinct was nearly empty.

"Where is everyone?"

"Captain said we'd get a search warrant tomorrow and sent us home to get some sleep. We're regrouping in the morning at 8," the seasoned detective took in her co-worker's appearance and knew instantly that she had been crying, "Are you okay, Rollins?"

"This case is just," the blonde paused, "it's horrible. How do you do this, Olivia? How do you stand the endless pain and suffering? How do you deal with the victims? The children?"

Olivia took a breath, a small smile settling on her lips, "I have Alex. Being able to come home to someone that deals with the same things you deal with helps. Having someone to help you when you wake up screaming from a nightmare," She thought of Alex's own nightmare, the fear in her eyes when she'd eyed her gun that morning, and realized she needed to talk with her, "it helps," The brunette studied the woman in front of her as she stood, "Come on, Amanda, I'll walk you out."

"No, that's okay, Liv," she gestured to a pile of DD5s, "I've got these to finish up."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," the blonde stood and pulled Olivia into a hug, "Get home to Alex."

Returning the hug, the brunette smiled, "Alright. Don't stay too long, Rollins."

Pulling away from the grasp, Rollins looked up, noticing someone standing in the doorway. She smiled and nudged Olivia, "Looks like your ride is here."

* * *

 

Alex stood frozen at the precinct doors, unable to move away from the sight in front of her. They were  _hugging_.  _Why_ were they hugging? She felt panic rise in her chest when she noticed that Rollins was looking at her. This wasn't her nightmare, she chastised herself. Olivia would never cheat on her. She'd spent most of the morning looking at old photos, and she realized that she couldn't hide her depression from Olivia, couldn't hide her fears from one of the only people who would understand her. But  _now_ , now she wasn't sure.

"Alex," Olivia's voice was like a beacon, drawing her back to the present. She wasn't asleep, she reminded herself as her girlfriend approached her. Looking down at Olivia's gun, she didn't feel any uneasiness. She looked up when Olivia snapped her fingers.

"Sorry, Liv. I was just," she paused, thinking of a liable excuse.  _Screw it_. "I need to tell you something important."

"Here or," the detective stopped. One look in Alex's eyes and she knew it had to be private. "Give me a couple seconds." Shutting down her computer, she grabbed her leather jacket and hooked her arm through Alex's, bidding a final farewell to Rollins and exited the precinct. "Okay, Lex, where to?"

"Home," Alex leaned her head on the detective's shoulder briefly, looping her arm through the brunette's. If Olivia was still the woman she fell in love with over a decade ago, (and she was fairly certain she was) she would help her through this endless darkness.

* * *

 

Alex paced the area between their kitchen and living room, her hands placed behind her back, her fingers interlaced, her glasses of justice dangling in-between them. It was a posture that Olivia saw many times in court, but, at the same time this was different. Sitting on the couch watching Alex pace the small area, she wanted to ask her what was bothering her, but she knew that Alex would talk when she was ready.

After what seemed like forever but was really only ten minutes, the attorney stopped in front of her and spoke, "Liv, I," she took a shaky breath. Definitely not normal, "I've been depressed."

Alex went to start pacing again, and she grabbed her hand, pulling her down and onto her lap. Gently grasping the attorney's hips to hold her in place, she spoke, "For how long?"

"I don't know," she bit her bottom lip, looking away slightly, "Maybe a couple of months."

"Look at me, Alex. Please," she felt tears start to well up in her eyes at the pain in the attorney's eyes, unshed tears already starting to form. She gently pressed a kiss to her lips, almost afraid to ask the next question, "Was that why you had the nightmare?"

Alex nodded, blinking away her tears. God, she  _hated_ to cry, hated feeling vulnerable, "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. There's no use in you worrying over…"

Olivia placed a finger over her lips to stop her from speaking, "Listen to me, Alex.  _Listen_. I want you to feel as happy as I do. I love you so much, so much that I would give anything to make you happy. I would do  _anything_ to make you happy, Alex."

"I don't want anyone to know."

"We could call George and have him do it off the record, Alex. No one will have to know."

"Liv," the blonde pouted slightly before she sighed lightly and snuggled closer into the detective's hold, "You promise it'll be off the record?"

"I promise."

* * *

 

**Two Months Later**

Alex awoke to her cell going off. Checking the clock, she realized that it was almost 8 a.m. After her talk with Olivia about her depression, they'd gotten FBI psychiatrist Dr. George Huang to take her on as a patient, off the records. She'd learned that she was right. When Rollins joined the squad she had felt threatened, and over time, her fearfulness of losing favor with the squad, of Rollins taking not only her place but her lover, had turned into depression. She had tried to argue with Huang, stating that after Casey joined SVU she hadn't felt threatened, but in his calming voice that he always used (one that never failed to calm her emotions, much like Olivia's voice), he told her that she hadn't felt threatened by Casey because Casey would be around Olivia the same amount of time as she would, during working days. Ironically, she thought of Kathy Stabler's fear of losing her husband to Olivia back before Olivia had told Kathy she was gay.

After the first session, he prescribed her Anti-Depressants, and by the second week, she had been taken off. Obviously, threatening your girlfriend with a butcher knife one minute and then telling her you love her the next was not normal. George had used an ulterior motive: Having her write in a journal every time she began to feel depression building. And now, for the first time in almost four months she felt happy. She felt like she could do anything. She felt like…

_She should answer her phone._

Hastily grabbing the device, she answered the call, "Cabot."

"Alex, where are you?" The voice of Elizabeth Donnelly came over the line. Even after Donnelly became a judge she was still worrying about her.  _Nice_.

"I'm still in bed, Liz. It's my day off."

"You didn't get a call?"

"A call?"

"Didn't SVU notify you?"

Her stomach clenched. She wasn't sure. She and Olivia were up pretty late talking. She barely remembered Olivia leave for work at 6, "No. What's wrong?"

"There was a shooting at the courthouse."

"A shooting…" She felt fear grip her. A shooting at the courthouse. Olivia was set to testify today. Panic rose up in her throat.

"Alex? You still there?"

"What happened?" she was already out of bed, pulling on faded jeans and a sweater.  _Olivia's sweater_.

"I'll explain everything when you get here. Bellevue. Stabler should be there in about five minutes to pick you up." Not Olivia. She wanted Olivia.

"Liz, how many are…" A knock at the front door interrupted her, and she rushed to the peek hole, "Stabler's here. I'll see you soon."

"Okay, Alex." It was only for the briefest second, but she heard Liz's voice break slightly, "See you soon."

Disconnecting the call, she placed her phone in her pocket and grabbed her house/car keys, opening the door to meet Elliot's worried frown.

"Elliot," she could barely make her voice work, fear overtaking her.

What had George told her about not letting her depression attempt to lull her back in?  _Fuck what he said. I can't lose Olivia_. She  _wouldn't_ lose Olivia. Not to whatever happened at the courthouse. She couldn't. It would destroy her. Elliot gently took her arm, escorting her down to his unmarked squad car. After they were securely buckled in, he flipped on his lights, and they were off.

**A/N: Don't forget to review.**

**Hime**


	4. Risking It All

"You've never felt pain until you've felt love."

Unknown

**Chapter 4: Risking It All**

When Alex walked into the hospital with Elliot, the number of police officers shocked her. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen so many brothers in blue in one place, and she estimated that there had to be at least 50 officers. Why were there so many cops?  _Oh God_ , she suddenly felt light-headed.  _What happened? What the hell happened?_ She felt her knees start to buckle and leaned against Elliot, who immediately wrapped an arm around her waist to steady her.

"Come on, Alex," he spoke quietly in an attempt to calm her, but ushering her through the group of cops to get to where they needed to be wasn't helping much.

* * *

 

ADA Casey Novak held an ice pack to the back of her head, as Dr. Melissa Black shone a light in her eyes. She knew it was standard procedure, but that didn't mean she had to like it. A warm hand came to rest on her shoulder, and she glanced up briefly to see Captain Cragen.

"How is she?" Cragen asked, continuing to keep his hand on the younger woman.

"She doesn't have a concussion" Dr. Black said with a small, yet sad smile as she looked back at Casey, "How long were you out?"

"Just a couple of minutes."

"I'll schedule an MRI to check for any internal bleeding."

Casey nodded her approval and went to speak when she caught sight of Alex and Elliot coming through the double doors, "Don," she nodded towards the door.

Alex was at their side instantly, "What happened?"

"Let's have a seat, Alex," the older man said gently, taking her hand and leading her over to a set of nearby chairs. Fin and Munch, who sat a few chairs away, stood and nudged Elliot. The three men walked off, but Alex didn't care. Not right now.

"Captain," her voice was strained.

He gently grasped her hands in his, "Liv's in surgery right now."

"What happened?" she struggled to keep her voice from breaking. This was Olivia. She wasn't supposed to be in surgery. She should be here, with her.

_Cragen sat in the front row of the gallery, behind the People's table, Olivia on his left, next to the aisle, and the perp's victim's parents on his right. Casey stood on the opposite side of the bar, rearranging her notes before she took her seat. The defendant, a rapist and murderer by the name of Aaron Johnson, who was charged with 1st degree murder of Madeline James, sat next to his attorney, Trevor Langan. Despite it being almost 7:30, Judge Lena Petrovsky had scheduled an early court hearing due to a seminar she was attending in Baltimore a little later in the day. So, in lieu of her normal 9 a.m. court hearing, they'd gotten a 7:30 one._

" _All rise for the Honorable Judge Lena Petrovsky,"_

_Before the brown-haired judge had even sat in her chair, the commotion started. Aaron started shouting about police brutality. In the span of less than two minutes, 4 shots had been fired._

Cragen sighed, "Aaron went nuts. I got Madeline's parents out, along with Aaron's wife. I got back in in time to see two court officers try to subdue him; he overpowered one of them and got his gun. They were dead within a matter of seconds. He pointed the gun at Casey, and Olivia shoved her out of the way. She hit her head pretty hard off the floor. He turned the gun on Petrovsky, and Liv charged him. She hit him just as he fired. The bullet grazed her neck, but she'll be okay. Olivia had him wrestled to the ground and went to cuff him when he jammed the gun into her stomach and fired. It happened so fast."

"What happened to him?" she asked, focusing every ounce of her willpower on not crying.

"He's in custody. Another pair of court officers apprehended him shortly after the shooting."

"Was she conscious after she was shot?"

"She was in and out on the way to the hospital."

She turned to look at him sharply, "You rode with her?"

"Yes."

"Why wasn't I called? I'm her emergency contact."

"Because they rushed her into surgery."

"I got the call nearly 20 minutes ago! You could've called right after it…"

"We didn't have the time to get a hold of you, Counselor. By the time we did…"

"Why did Liz call me," she stood angrily, the question coming off snappy. "The love of my life was shot, and it wasn't anyone from our unit that called me, it was my former boss!"

"Easy, Alex," Cragen took her hand again, trying to coax her back into the chair she'd vacated.

"No, damn it!" she pulled away.

"Cabot!" she turned at the sound of her name. Liz stood with her arms crossed, leaning against the vending machine, "Come here."

With one last look to Cragen, she headed over to Liz. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, she spoke, "Yes, Liz?"

"Follow me."

Resisting the urge to sigh, she followed the blonde judge down the hall and through a door to a small med-bay. She was mildly surprised to see Elliot, Munch, Rollins and Fin sitting in metal chairs in the corner of the room, each holding a cup of coffee. But what surprised her more was that Judge Petrovsky was wearing jeans and a turtleneck, reclining gently in one of the more comfortable chairs, seemingly asleep. Liz took the startled attorney by the hand and marched her over to the chair next to the slumbering judge. Up-close, Alex could see the tan-colored gauze peeking from underneath the surface of the turtleneck.

"You need to sit and calm down, Alex."

She glared up at the older blonde, "How can I just sit and wait? Olivia…"

"Detective Benson is a fighter, Alex. Do you realize what would have happened if she hadn't intervened?" the judge, having finally gotten her to sit, took her hand and placed it gently over the other judge's neck so that she could feel her pulse, "Do you feel that? That's what Olivia fights for. So many lives would have been lost today if she hadn't gotten in the way. Casey, Captain Cragen, Lena, Mr. and Mrs. James, hell even Langan. Olivia does what she does to protect people. She's in surgery right now fighting for her life. Fighting for you and the rest of SVU. What  _she_ needs you to do is to stay calm and pray. She needs you to have hope that she'll be okay. She needs for you to trust the surgeon. And I know that I sound like some over-bearing parent that's treating you like a child, but Alex, you have to trust that everything will be okay." Releasing Alex's hand, she smiled gently, "Now move over a seat so I can sit next to the love of  _my_ life."

Blushing slightly, she did as requested. And now all that was left to do was wait.

* * *

 

"Alexandra, wake up."

Alex opened her eyes, squinting against the luminescent bulbs and then growled low in her throat. She wasn't sure when she'd fallen asleep, but she was beginning to regret doing so in a hospital chair. She turned to face Petrovsky, suddenly aware of her surroundings, "What time is it? What happened?"

"It's a little before 9, Miss Cabot," a tall woman with raven hair that was tied back and bright green eyes (the surgeon, no doubt) was standing in front of the group, her expression undecipherable. "As I've already told your colleagues, my name is Dr. Samantha Hall."

"What happened? Is Liv okay?"

A small smile lit up the doctor's face, "Detective Benson will be just fine. She's awake but a little sore. What do you expect from a gunshot wound? The bullet was lodged in her large intestine, but we managed to get it out without any complications. She'll be as good as new in about a month or so. We'll keep her here for a couple days, but when she gets out, it'll probably be best if she stays home for a couple of days. And then she'll be on desk duty until she's back to one hundred percent."

"Can't wait to see her face when I tell her that," Cragen commented dryly as he and Donnelly entered the room.

"Cops are all alike, I see," the doctor said with a small smirk.

"Can we see her?" Alex asked, desperately trying to speak past the lump in her throat and keep her tears at bay.

"One at a time," Dr. Hall said with a smile, "You'll be first I assume, Miss Cabot?"

Alex paused, glancing over at the other detectives, "No, I think that…"

"Just go, Alex," Elliot said with a smile, "We'll be here when your turn is up."

She smiled and nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She followed Dr. Hall down the hallway. They passed the ICU, and Alex frowned softly, "Shouldn't Liv be in the ICU if she's recovering from a gunshot?"

"She  _should_ be, yes, but she's one hell of a fighter. She's well enough that she's in a regular hospital room." They stopped a few feet down, at room 564. "You have five minutes." Alex nodded and then quietly entered the room.

* * *

 

Olivia looked over at the door when it opened. A grin slipped onto her face at the sight of Alex.

"Alex," her voice was gentle, calming and for the first time since she'd gotten the news, Alex felt tears slip down her face. She sat in the chair next to the bed and carefully took the detective's hand.

"Olivia, I'm so glad you're okay," the brunette brought their joined hands up to her face and gently wiped the tears away.

"Don't cry, Lex. It's okay. See, I'm fine."

"Idiot," Alex muttered, lightly hitting the brunette's shoulder, "I could've lost you."

"Lay beside me?"

"I don't have a lot of time to be in here, Liv."

"Please." One look in Olivia's eyes and she was lost. Slipping in beside her, they stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Olivia gently tucked a piece of hair behind Alex's ear, kissing her softly on the mouth, "You wouldn't have lost me, Alex. I love you too much to leave you like that."

"I was so scared, Liv." She said quietly, "If I wouldn't have kept you up, you would've gotten more than an hour sleep and been more alert and…" Olivia pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her.

"This isn't your fault, Alex. I should've gotten the gun away from him before trying to cuff him. What happened to him?"

"He's in custody," Elliot's voice came from the doorway, and Alex jumped and fell off the bed.

"Ow!" she stood and rubbed her backside, a frown setting on her face, "Geez, Stabler, a little warning would be nice next time."

Elliot laughed, "My bad, Counselor, but maybe you shouldn't be laying next to the patient."

"The  _patient_  has a name," Olivia said before she grinned, "And the  _Counselor_ can lie next to me whether you like it or not."

Bending down to give Olivia one more kiss before exiting the room, she smiled, "I love you, Liv."

"I love you more."

**A/N: Now you guys didn't think I'd really kill Liv, did you? I truly am sorry for such a long wait.I enjoy feedback so review.**

**Hime**


	5. Save Me

"We are what we believe we are."

C.S. Lewis

**Chapter 5: Save Me**

"I am  _so_ glad to be home." Olivia said as she opened the door for her and Alex entered their apartment. It had been two days since the shooting, and Alex was extremely grateful that Olivia was allowed to come home. She'd spent most of the last two days with a phone to her ear, asking about Aaron Johnson. Surprisingly, or maybe  _un_ surprisingly, Homicide ADA Serena Southerlyn had gotten the case. Since she and Alex had gone to law school together, getting information had been a snap. While Olivia was resting, safe in a hospital bed, Aaron Johnson was currently awaiting his new trial at Riker's Island. Tacking on charges was usually the part Alex hated, but in this case, she would gladly write them up. Olivia's voice brought her from her thoughts, "Did you sleep on the couch?" The pillow and blanket was still there from the first night Olivia was gone, due to her not having the time to put them up.

She  _really_ didn't want to tell her that she'd slept in her office last night or on the couch the night before that, but still, she didn't want to lie, so she settled on, "The bed was cold without you."

"Oh, Sweetheart," Olivia gently took her hands and pulled her closer, guiding her to the couch, "you could've called one of the guys to come pick you up and take you to the hospital. They would've let you stay with me."

"I don't think you would've gotten a lot of sleep with me on the bed with you." She countered, slumping back on the couch, "And I don't think the guys would've enjoyed being woken up at two a.m. just to take me to the hospital," Before Olivia could respond, she continued, "I'm glad you're home. I missed you."

Olivia smiled and leaned in to kiss her, "I missed you too," They broke apart at the ringing of Olivia's cell. Regretfully pulling away, Olivia pulled out her cell, "Benson. Yeah, we got back okay," She mouthed 'Rollins' to her girlfriend before snuggling a little closer to her and wrapping her free arm around her, "No, it's fine. We were just talking, getting ready to make dinner," Alex raised an eyebrow. She was pretty sure they needed to go grocery shopping. Olivia smiled at her, "Thanks for calling, Amanda. Bye-bye."

Alex nuzzled her neck slightly, "I didn't know we had food, Detective."

"Mmm," Olivia grinned, "We don't. Yet."

"Oh? Do you know something I don't know?"

Before Olivia could answer, a knock sounded at the door. A smile slipped onto the detective's face as she rose to answer it. A minute later, Casey Novak walked through their front door.

"Casey," Alex said, shocked, "what are you doing here?" She'd been glad to see Casey come into work the day after the courthouse shooting and was extremely thankful that there had been no damage aside from a headache and a large goose egg.

The redheaded attorney held up a bag of Chinese food, "I brought dinner."

Olivia smiled from the doorway, watching the two pull out take-out containers. When Casey had visited her at the hospital before work, she had mentioned that she'd wanted to do something special for them, so the detective figured that since Alex enjoyed Chinese food, why not invite Casey over and let the three of them relax for a little bit. Grabbing a few forks from the kitchen, she joined the two attorneys.

A few hours later, slipping into bed beside her beautiful girlfriend, Olivia couldn't help but sigh. It was hard to believe that it was over a decade ago that they became a couple. And yes, they had a lot of struggles, a lot of fights, a lot of making up, but they were going to be together until the day they died. She knew that, with all of her being, Alex was her soul mate. And she would protect her as long as she had breath in her body.

* * *

 

"Liv," Alex spoke up in the darkness, her voice breaking through the detective's thoughts. The attorney was running a finger up and down her arm, and she turned her head to look at her. The attorney spoke once again, "I love you."

Olivia smiled, "I love you too."

And yes, they both meant it. From the first time they said it, they both knew that their feelings wouldn't change.

"I'm glad Casey could come over," the attorney said, a yawn slipping from her mouth, "I was really glad to see she was okay."

"Well she is your second chair after all," Olivia said with a small laugh, gently pulling the attorney to her so she didn't aggravate her stitches, "but I'm glad too."

"My parents are coming to visit tomorrow," Alex said, her tone conversational.

"I don't know if that's a good idea."

Alex arched an eyebrow, even those the detective couldn't see, "Why not?"

Olivia's smirk was evident in her voice, "Donnelly and Petrovsky are coming to visit tomorrow. Something about those two being in the same room as your parents scares me."

Alex laughed, "Is that so?"

Olivia nodded, holding the attorney tighter, "That's right, counselor, but I'm not that worried."

"Why not?"

Pressing a gentle kiss to the back of the blonde's neck, she spoke, "Because I'll have you with me, Alex. You make everything better."

Alex turned to face her, "Everything?"

"Everything."

"Even going undercover?"

Olivia nearly sighed. Even after two months, that damn undercover operation was the continuing sore spot in their relationship. She didn't have a doubt in her mind that Alex was jealous of Rollins. Hell, she didn't have a doubt in her mind that Rollins was jealous of Alex. And, if she admitted it to herself, she'd been jealous of Casey when the former white-collar attorney had showed up to take over Alex's cases while the blonde had been recuperating.

"Lex," she pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, "The only thing that I enjoyed about being undercover with Rollins was that I got to come home to you."

"Where you belong." The attorney added with a slight smile.

"Right where I belong."

The two were quiet, each drifting off into their own thoughts, when Alex spoke, "I think that you would be the perfect person to be on an ad of a superhero poster."

The detective blinked and then laughed, "What?"

"You would," the blonde protested.

"No I wouldn't."

"You would. You're beautiful and brave, you help people. You get justice for the wronged."

"Superheroes are perfect."

"You're perfect."

"They save the people that mean the most to them." Alex's shooting still had an emotional toll on both of them, regardless of how many years flew by. Tears pricked in Olivia's eyes.

"You save me, Olivia," the attorney pressed a kiss to her lips, her own tears slipping down her cheeks, "You save me every day."

Olivia smiled through the tears that were streaming down her face, "I know, Alex. God, I know."

**A/N: Let me know your thoughts!**

**Hime**


	6. I Love You

"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."

John Keats

**Chapter 6: I Love _You_**

"Alex," The attorney groaned softly at the intrusion of her sleep cycle, burying her head in the pillow to cut out the voice. "Alex," Olivia shook her shoulder lightly. She muttered softly but continued to ignore her. "Alex, please. Wake up." The pleading in the detective's voice snapped her out of her sleep-induced fog.

"What is it," she asked softly as she turned to face the brunette, seeing un-shed tears shining in brown eyes; she'd learned long ago of the nightmares that frequented the detective's dreams, and even though she knew she could never stop them from happening, she was extremely grateful that she could soothe the terrors away after the fact. As she pulled the brunette closer to her, being mindful of her stitches, she spoke, "Tell me, baby. Please."

Olivia didn't answer, choosing instead to hold her close. How bad was this nightmare? As the attorney pondered the question, she heard Olivia let out a quiet sigh, and she relaxed in her embrace, allowing the brunette to hold her slightly tighter. Lying in Olivia's arms, listening to her heartbeat return to normal, she carefully pulled the covers back over their entangled bodies. Sneaking a glance at the clock, she saw that it was nearly 3 a.m.

Olivia spoke after a few minutes, "I love you, Lex."

The attorney curled against her, pressing a kiss to her cheek, "I love you too, Liv."

* * *

 

"Liv," Alex whispered against the detective's ear for what seemed like the tenth time. The detective had fallen back asleep early this morning, but the blonde hadn't been able to. Though she would never admit this to her lover, she found it nearly impossible to fall back asleep after one of Liv's nightmares. She didn't feel comfortable sleeping after her detective awoke from such a state. Olivia stirred in her sleep and turned to face her, groggy.

"Alex," she muttered in confusion, her lover's voice slipping through her haze of sleep.

"Come on, it's time to get up, Liv," The attorney sat on the edge of the bed in jogging shorts and a tank top, her hair pulled back into a tight pony tail. Sweat dripped down the side of her neck, and she swiped at it, "I want a shower and was hoping that you needed some…" The last word died on the blonde's lips as Olivia tugged her gently onto the bed beside her, pulling her into a kiss, which she happily reciprocated. When they broke apart, long minutes later, Alex smiled, "Good morning to you too."

Olivia took notice of the dark circles underneath the blonde's eyes but didn't comment. Instead, she smiled back and replied, "Morning." Releasing her willing captive, she sat up and gestured towards the bathroom door with a nod of her head, "Shower time?"

"Yes. Come on."

Taking notice of the time as 8 a.m. the detective took a hold of her hand before she could move and spoke once again, "And after the shower, you'll get some sleep while I make breakfast?"

Alex frowned, "Liv, I'm fine."

"Please. It's Saturday. Get a shower, get some more rest and let me make you breakfast."

Alex sighed, unable to resist much of anything the detective said, "Okay, okay."

* * *

 

"Alex, honey," Olivia's voice brought her from the realm of sleep. Blinking, she looked up and noticed the brunette in the doorway, holding a plate of food. God, she felt like she had just fallen asleep a few seconds ago, though she knew Olivia had said that she'd have breakfast ready in an hour.

"Did you already eat?" she asked groggy as Olivia walked to her.

Olivia nodded, passing her the plate, before snuggling up beside her, "I wanted to give you more time to sleep."

"I wouldn't have minded being woken up," she managed to get out before she yawned, "That doesn't prove anything."

"Uh-huh. Eat," as the blonde began to eat, she spoke once more, "Rollins called again. Wanted to let me know that Aaron Johnson's trial starts next week."

Alex stopped eating and fixed her with a slight glare, "Why is it always Rollins that calls you? Why isn't Elliot or Fin or Munch calling?" she hadn't meant for her voice to come out snappy, but her agitation with the older blonde had reached a boiling point. Fuck her damn depression. This wasn't about that anymore. She didn't trust Rollins around Olivia, "I don't understand why it always has to be her. It's been 4 months since she started, and I haven't seen you take a call from any of the guys in that time."

"Alex, she's still adjusting. SVU is a hard unit. You know that. Honestly, she finds it easier to talk with me than the guys."

"That doesn't answer either of my questions." She placed her plate on the nightstand beside her left hand and turned to face the detective.

"What do you want me to say, Alex? That I'm cheating on you? That that's the reason she always calls? Do you think that we fuck at work?" she paused to take a breath, trying to calm her anger, "How many times do I have to go over this with you? I love  _you_. Not her. I'm not leaving you for anyone. Honestly, Alex, did I ever accuse you of sleeping with Casey when she first came to SVU?" Casey had been a sore spot for both of them and had been the subject of their first actual fight as a couple, though they kept that fact away from the red-headed attorney.

"I don't see how you could, considering you were never more than two feet away from me that entire first month." She muttered under her breath.

"What did you just say?" the brunette frowned and stood, glaring at her angrily, " _You_ wanted me there with you!"

"Yes, I did, but Rollins calling you nearly the second we got in the door from the hospital pisses me off. Hell, we hardly get any time to ourselves with her always calling! Do you see Casey calling  _me_  every spare second she has?"

"Are you accusing me of something!?"

Fuming, Alex's eyes flashed as she got in the brunette's face, "Yes, God damn it! I'm accusing you of sleeping with your fucking co-worker while undercover, Detective. I'm accusing you of cheating on me for the past two months! I'm accusing you of staying past midnight on weekdays working on cases, and when I come to get your tired ass, after you call me to get you,  _she's_ there, saying that you're sleeping in the crib tonight, but thanks for stopping by. I'm accusing you of loving her more than me, of touching her arm or shoulder when you wouldn't even do that in the squad room until more than a fucking year after we were dating! You say that the only person that you love is me, but your actions, the fact that you went undercover with her and didn't tell me until after it was all over, says otherwise! She was going to fucking  _kiss_ you in the fucking squad room, Olivia, and you were going to let her!" Standing there, trying to regain the oxygen she'd lost while in full-on rant mode, she wasn't aware of the tears falling down her cheeks, "I'm accusing you of fucking her and then coming home to me! Is that why you're so wet when we fuck, huh, Detective? Because you're thinking of her every time? Or is it because you already got some from your whore on the side?! Or no, wait, I'm the whore, aren't I? How many other women are you dating? Obviously, I'm just here for convenience! You're just waiting for the perfect time to dump my ass, huh?"

"That's enough, Alex," Olivia was struggling not to let her voice break.

"Why? Why is that enough? Because I'm right? Is that it?" Her voice started to crack, but she was beyond pissed. She had probably never been this livid in her life.

"Alex, stop it. You're being—"

"Being what? Irrational? Foolish? What the fuck am I be—"

Her voice died in her throat as Olivia grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her into a rough kiss. She struggled to break free from the hold, determined as she was to finish her rant, but when the detective hit a sweet spot in her mouth, she was lost. Pressing back against her, she was surprised when Olivia flipped them and pushed her against the bathroom door. Olivia pulled away from her long enough to pin her wrists at her sides and start to kiss down her jaw.

"You're being a fucking bitch," Catching the detective's dark eyes, desire pooling in them, she held them with her own, "You think that I'd cheat on someone as fucking hot and as intelligent and sexy as you? Only a complete dumbass would ever cheat on you. You're too perfect of a catch, and we both know it. I would  **never** cheat on you, Alexandra, and it's about time you started believing that again. You want to know why I didn't touch you for a year while at work? Because I was so fucking afraid that you'd disappear the second I did. Your work persona, in case you never realized, is completely different from who you are at home. I would touch Rollins' shoulder or arm to let her know that she did a good job. In case you fucking forgot, I did that with you too! And yes, sometimes I call you to come and get me from work when it's after fucking midnight, but then I end up passing out in the crib waiting for you, and then I end up waiting for you to wake me up, which you never do! I'm sorry that Rollins misinterpreted that, but we've been together for over a fucking decade, Alex! You should know by now that I love it when you wake me up from any damn place, whether it's our couch or the crib!" She paused to make sure she had the attorney's attention. Cool blue eyes were transfixed on her stormy ones, "Do you know how fucking bad I wanted you to go on that undercover operation with me? I was ready to go on desk duty for the rest of my career if that was what it took. Captain didn't think that it was safe for not only our ADA but my girlfriend to go undercover, so Rollins was picked. And she may have wanted to kiss me in the squad room, but it will be a fucking cold day in hell before I  **ever** kiss anyone besides you. And for the record: we don't fuck. I'm going to show you something," She paused and took one of Alex's hands in hers before pushing her jeans to the floor so she could maneuver their jointed hands into her panties. Alex nearly gasped at the copious amount of wetness, and Olivia lowered her voice slightly, removing her hand but making sure the blonde stayed, "Do you feel that, Alex? I don't get this wet from being with another woman. I don't get this wet from anyone besides you." Alex felt a shudder rip through her body as Olivia began kissing her way back up her jaw; lost as she was in a wave of ecstasy, she blindly tried seeking the brunette's other hand with her own. Olivia caught her hand and linked their fingers, working the attorney's pants to the floor before slipping their hands between her thighs and into silk panties. Olivia moaned into her mouth, running their fingers through the burning heat, "God, Alex."

Alex removed her hand from inside her panties and smirked weakly, feeling her knees start to buckle, "You're not the only one, Olivia." Alex kissed the detective hard on the mouth, moaning as Olivia thrust two fingers deep inside her. Hips jolting forward at the welcomed intrusion, desperate to return the favor, she circled Olivia's entrance with two fingers, thrusting them inside as the detective as she pulled her fingers out briefly. She threw her head back in a silent scream as the detective thrust back inside her, scissoring her and teasing her with a third finger.

"Oh God," She moaned out, her hips bucking against the detective's hand, desperate to feel more, "Fuck, Liv," She maneuvered her hand and thrust three fingers inside her, drawing a groan from the detective.

"No, Lex," Olivia growled out, using her free hand to palm the attorney's breast through her T-shirt, "we don't fuck."

"Well we'd better do something," the attorney returned, nipping harshly at the exposed neck, "because I'm not going to be able to stand much longer."

"Bed. Now."

"Can't," Alex snarled back, "I can't fucking move my legs, or I'll fall."

"Oh, you think so?"

One look in the detective's eyes, and she instantly knew what was going on, "Olivia, don't you dare…" The detective moved too quickly for her to stop her, pulling her own hand out of the attorney's panties and then gently moving Alex's out of her, and then just as quickly hoisting her into her arms and practically shredding off her shirt before spinning and taking two quick strides to drop her to the bed. She barely had time to register it all before Olivia's naked body was on hers, their bodies tangling together, "Liv," she moaned softly as the detective circled her clit, "Liv, you're going to rip your stitches."

"I don't care," Olivia breathed out, nostrils flaring, "We'll go to the fucking hospital after we're done. Now just shut up and kiss me."

Alex let out a low growl, bringing their mouths together for a harsh kiss. Olivia moaned against her lips, kissing back roughly.

* * *

 

Olivia groaned softly, feeling Alex shift against her. She ran a hand down her side, making sure she didn't pull her stitches.  _No blood; no pain_. She breathed a sigh in relief when she noticed they were all in place. Maybe they took their love-making a little too far. Well, okay, she had to admit, what they did would probably be considering fucking. Not that she'd ever admit it. Besides, in her eyes, any way that she and Alex consummated their love for each other was making love. Feeling Alex's lips on her neck, she shifted slightly so they could face one another. Taking in Alex's disheveled appearance made a small smile appear on her face, but she frowned the moment tears welled up in the attorney's eyes and gathered the shaking woman into her arms.

"God, Liv, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean to get so mad."

"Shh," Olivia replied, bringing their lips together for a light kiss, "It's okay. You've just been stressed lately and blew your lid. It happens. I forgive you. And I'm sorry too," Alex looked up at her confused, and she continued, "I should have been more considerate about your feelings, should have talked to you more."

"I forgive you," Alex said with a smile, pulling her deeper for a kiss. When they broke apart, Alex looked at the clock. Nearly 11, "You want to grab a quick shower and then have lunch? Then we'll start on dinner."

Olivia smiled, "Leftover Chinese sounds good to me," She stood and took her hand, pulling her off the bed, "Come on, our shower is waiting."

Smiling, the attorney spoke, leading them to the bathroom, "Let's go then, Casanova."

Olivia smirked and began to tickle her, drawing a squeal from the blonde, "Casanova, huh?"

* * *

 

Emerging half-an-hour later from the warm shower, Olivia was dressed in a worn NYPD T-shirt and yoga pants and Alex was wearing a T-shirt and the matching NYPD sweats. They were heading out into their kitchen when the sound of something falling alerted them. Olivia instinctively pushed Alex behind her. Flattening against the wall, Olivia inched her way towards the sound of a muffled voice. She may have been injured, but she could still sucker punch the best of them.

A head popped around the entryway to the living room, "Are you going to play detective all day, Liv, or are you and Alex going to join…" A loud  _crack_ cut the person off and then Elliot stumbled into their line of vision, holding the side of his head, "Jesus Christ, Liv! Tell your girlfriend to put down the damn umbrella before she kills someone."

"Lex, it's okay." Olivia tried to snag the make-shift weapon from the attorney, surprised at the death-grip the other woman had on it.

Alex let go of the umbrella and punched the male detective in the arm, "What the hell are you trying to do? Give us a heart attack?"

"No," Elliot said with a grimace as he turned and started into the living room, "I just thought I'd drop by on my way home from the store. Kathy wanted me to check up on you guys."

"You could've called," Olivia growled as she turned and headed into the kitchen.

"I decided to surprise you," Elliot replied with a grin, "Why? Were you two busy?"

Putting the food into the microwave, Olivia turned to face her partner, "Eating lunch and then starting dinner. We're having company over."

"So no juicy details?"

Alex rolled her eyes, "Aside from leftover sweet and sour chicken, there's nothing  _juicy_ , Stabler."

"Whatever you say, Counselor. Whatever you say."

Resisting the urge to put her middle finger to use, Alex headed to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water. Removing their food from the microwave, Olivia slipped up behind her, grabbing the sweet and sour sauce from the upper compartment. The attorney sighed and leaned back against her briefly, "I wish you never gave him a key."

"I heard that," Elliot said around a bite of chicken.

Olivia glanced over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow, "Good."

"Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going."

The man went to grab another piece of chicken, when Alex, her back still turned, spoke, "If you grab another piece, Detective, I'll have you redo all your DD5s for the past month."

Elliot looked at his partner, who merely smiled sweetly, "You heard the woman, El. Now go. And call next time."

Rolling his eyes, he walked over and hugged them both briefly, "You're both lucky I love you."

Alex smirked, "Yeah, yeah. Quit stalling."

Moments later, they heard the front door click shut. Olivia chuckled quietly, "Did you really have to hit him with an umbrella?"

The attorney grinned and hoisted herself onto the counter, "Could he have called?"

"Yes," Olivia replied, stepping in-between the attorney's thighs. She placed her hands on the blonde's waist and leaned in for a kiss, "So is that the answer to my question?"

"Objection," Alex replied with a smirk, leaning forward until their lips were millimeters from touching, "manipulating the witness."

"Overruled," Olivia replied with a smirk, bringing their lips together gently.

Just as Alex went to deepen the kiss, a knock sounded at the front door. The attorney groaned in frustration, "If that's Elliot, I swear I'll kill him."

Olivia pulled away and headed over to the door, looking through the peephole. With a sigh, she looked back at Alex, "Nope. Donnelly and Petrovsky."

"I'll kill them too," Alex growled under her breath as she slid off the counter.

Olivia rolled her eyes slightly before she put on a smile and opened the door, "You two are early."

"We know, but we brought dessert," Lena said with a smile, holding up a pie, "Banana cream. Homemade."

"Thank you," She stepped aside to let them in, "You can put it in the fridge. Alex and I were getting ready to eat lunch. Did you want some?"

"We ate before we came over," Liz replied, "so you two go ahead. We'll situate ourselves in the living room and watch news or something."

"That's fine," Alex said with a smile, handing Olivia the carton of sweet and sour chicken, "the remote's on the loveseat."

"What time are your parents getting here?" Olivia asked once the two judges were in the living room.

"Around two," Alex replied, "So we have a little time before they get here."

* * *

 

When Alex answered the front door at a quarter after two, the smell of roasted chicken and mashed potatoes was floating through the apartment. Hugging her parents, she ushered them in and sent them off into the living room. Despite her father being a lawyer back in the day, and despite the fact that he knew Liz and Lena, he didn't really know them as personally as he did professionally, so Alex was praying for the best.

Rejoining Olivia in the kitchen, she wrapped her arms around her waist, sighing contently in her ear. Olivia smirked and stirred the gravy, "Did I forget to put on pants?"

Alex freed one of her hands and ran it down the detective's right leg and then back up, "You put some on."

Olivia turned and kissed her cheek, "Oh good."

Alex opened the oven to check on the chicken, "Very good."

Olivia took her hand when she went to stand and pulled her into a kiss, "God, I love you."

Alex kissed the detective back gently, a smile on her face, "I love you more."

* * *

 

Liz smiled, "I wonder if they know the food is going to start burning."

"Oh, they know," Alexander commented with a grin, "I just don't think they care."

"No, no, they care," Caroline responded, watching as the two broke apart and moved back to the food, "See?"

"I see that they're perfect for each other," Lena replied before looking back to the TV, where the ad for a small chopping device was being shown, "Who would even buy gadgets like this?"

The other three looked back into the kitchen at the sound of Alex's voice, "Liv was going to buy something on TV once."

"What stopped her, dear?" Caroline asked.

Olivia stirred the gravy, lowering the heat, and said conversationally, "I saw the bill for Alex's online order."

"What did she buy?" Lena's smirk was nearly predatory.

Alex took the chicken out of the oven to hide her blush, "Shoes. You can come in here now; dinner's ready."

Alexander sighed, "I remember when you had to actually go to stores to buy shoes."

Olivia had to bite her bottom lip to keep from laughing as she replied, "Yeah but Alex always orders online for her shoe collection."

The attorney smacked her arm and leaned in close so only she could hear, "Shut up or I won't show you my  _shoe collection_  for a month."

"We hardly use your  _shoe collection_." The brunette whispered back.

**A/N: One chapter to go!**

**Hime**


	7. Epilogue: Love of My Life

"You can't just be friends with someone you are madly in love with."

Frank Ocean

**Chapter 7: Epilogue: Love of My Life**

**2 Weeks Later**

After watching Homicide ADA Serena Southerlyn deliver her closing statement to the 12 jurors, Olivia was completely positive that there was no way Aaron Johnson was getting acquitted. An hour and a half later, at 1 p.m., the jury foreman rose to deliver the verdict: guilty on all counts. Feeling Alex gently take her hand as they exited the courtroom, following Elliot, Rollins, Casey and Serena, she stopped and looked at her, a smile on her face.

Alex stopped and turned, confusion in her eyes, "Liv?"

"How would you like to go on vacation for a couple of months?" Alex looked at her like she'd grown two heads, "Captain said I could use the time off to recuperate. We just have to clear it with Cutter."

Alex smiled, enthusiasm lighting up her face and overtaking her confusion, "Detective Olivia Benson wants to take a vacation?"

"Yes," Olivia bumped her shoulder lightly, "So?"

Alex nodded, barely able to stop bouncing on the balls of her feet. They began to walk to One-Hogan Palace, "Where are we going?"

Olivia grinned, "To Cutter's office to get his okay," Alex gave a mock glare, and the detective laughed before composing herself, "Hawaii."

If she hadn't been expecting it, Alex's kiss would've knocked her off her feet. Slipping her arms around the blonde's waist, she kissed her back. By 4 p.m. they were on their way to Hawaii.

* * *

 

**One month later**

Alex yawned, awakening to the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls. Every morning for the past month since they'd been at this amazing beach house, Olivia would wake her up with some kind of breakfast, but cinnamon rolls were her all-time favorite treat. Blinking tiredly, she found Olivia leaning against the wall near the sliding doors that would lead to the ocean, dressed in khaki shorts and a tank top, holding half a cinnamon roll delicately in her fingers. The sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon, and it colored the ocean a gorgeous orange.

"Liv?" she blinked again, sitting up in the plush, king-size bed.

Olivia walked over to her and smiled, gently kissing her lips as she handed her a robe to put on, "Come watch the sunrise?"

Slipping out of bed, she put on the robe to fend off the chill of the morning air on her naked body. Eyeing the cinnamon roll, she allowed Olivia to gently take her hand and guide her out onto the beach.

"Cinnamon roll," she groaned out, a frown on her face as she tried to grab for the delicious food.

Olivia smiled and took a couple more steps, handing her the cinnamon roll as she spoke, "You know what I'm thinking about, Alex?"

"Hmm," the attorney asked, enticed by the cinnamon roll, hardly paying attention, finishing it.

"I think that people would stop flirting with me so much if I had a ring on my finger."

The attorney froze in licking the icing off her fingers, a stunned look on her face, "What?" she looked up and gasped, one hand going to her mouth, as Olivia dropped to knee, holding out an open box, a diamond ring nestled inside, "Olivia…"

Olivia smiled, her heart pounding, "Alexandra Cabot will you do me the tremendous honor of becoming my wife?"

Alex felt tears start to prick in her eyes, and for a moment, she couldn't speak, but then she spoke, "Yes, oh my God, yes. A thousand times, yes." Feeling the brunette slip the ring on her wedding finger, her tears finally started to fall. Olivia stood and pulled her into a kiss; she eagerly responded, pressing up against the detective gently.

After a few minutes, the detective pulled away slightly, a grin on her lips, as she gently wiped the tears away, "God, you're perfect, Alex."

Alex smiled, pressing a gentle kiss to the brunette's lips, "Not as perfect as you, Olivia."

Olivia smirked, "Always as perfect."

* * *

 

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel."

Johnny Depp

**A/N: Once again, a huge thank you to everyone who's stuck with this story to the very end. Please don't forget to review.**

**Hime**

 


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